ORIGINALLY SUSAN MARIE
My name is Suzan. I was born on August 6th 1983. I was adopted at age 3, and was only in the home of one family up until this time, when the narcissist abuser adopted me. There are many secrets and mysteries regarding my existence, birth, and what happened in my adoption, as I have been repeatedly and constantly lied to for as long as I can remember regarding where I came from. I was always told how 'grateful' I should feel, how my adoptive 'parents' 'saved' me. This couldn't be farther from the truth. I grew up in a very abusive household, as I was raised by this sociopath/narcissist, and her husband was completely co-dependent on her, chose to save himself over protecting me. Since age 11, I can remember having the distinct feeling of, 'you are not my family, I do not trust or believe you'. I now realize that my intuition and feelings were right.
It was ALWAYS about the narcissist and her husband. If I thought about myself, or tried to do anything for myself? Watch-out, shame on me for trying to live my own life. It was a constant psychological mind-fuck and a constant catering to these people.
RACISM & ETHNICITY
I am 36% African American, and 64% Caucasian, and extremely #proud of who I am. Growing up, I never knew. I was the only ethnic person in my family. Everyone was Caucasian. The town I grew up in, the school I went to was all Caucasian. I was treated like a joke, like a cartoon character or something. It was horrible, as the worst of it that I got was from my adoptive 'family'. From being taunted, being called 'little black sambo', to being chased around with a pair of scissors while being screamed at, 'you stupid f****** ni**er! That's all you are!', it wasn't a great upbringing. But it was always my responsibility to pretend like everything was just 'perfect'. To give you an idea of the town I was raised in, my adoptive Brother and I used to ride out bikes to the corner store down the street. The man that owned this store was an active member of the KKK. It took me years for the man to actually allow me into his store without him shouting, 'get outta my store you dumb little nig*** with your nappy hair!' I used to cry my eyes out all the way home. Was anything ever done about this? Of COURSE not. I quickly learned that I shouldn’t express how much this scared and hurt me to the narc that adopted me, for I would just be told I was ‘being too sensitive’, or that I was ‘over reacting & exaggerating’, or the worst, get laughed at for even questioning the fact that it might not be okay to be spoken to in such a manner, just for merely existing.
BEING RAISED BY A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST
My childhood and upbringing was terrifying always, I never slept properly because I was always on edge, waiting for my narcissistic adoptive 'mother' to have one of her narc rages, due to never sleeping properly, I constantly had soar throats and was sick. I was always responsible for my mentally handicapped Sister. No matter what she did, it was my responsibility. If I accomplished something, she got the credit for it. when she would physically attack me, it was my responsibility to figure out why that happened to me and what I did to make that happen. Lest we forget, as the narc adopter constantly jammed into my brain how I was “Over-reacting, exaggerating, and ‘being too sensitive’. It was horrible.
From as far back as I can remember, it was my responsibility to look out for myself. I had no one to look out for my psychological and emotional welfare. Not only was it my responsibility to fend for myself, but it was my responsibility to pretend I was something I wasn't and sacrifice my own happiness & well being to put everyone in the 'family' before me. For some reason, I was raised and treated like I was some horrible human being, a second class citizen.
The most isolating part of it all, my narc adoptive 'mother' had everyone convinced I was crazy, and a liar. As, I was a helpless child without a voice, and no one to protect me. People naturally believe whatever the adult says. The constant gaslighting, blaming and shaming was just horrible- and I literally had no one to protect me, NO ONE. It was just a constant of my character being questioned, and my having to defend myself.
I never just got to be a kid. However I quickly caught on to how to pretend like I was happy, as this was what I was taught to do. This was the 'normalcy' that these people created for the helpless, voiceless child that they adopted.
ABUSE AND DENIAL IN ADOPTION
I now realize how sick it is that a person adopted a child and used and abused the child, isolated the child for their own gain. I now realize how wrong these people are for isolating me my whole life, and causing the massive trauma that I deal with today. I am and always have been a very kind, warm hearted, caring person. I am proud of who I am, not who I was constantly told I was, but who I ACTUALLY am, the REAL me. I used to think that my life was wasted, but I feel like this all happened to me to be an advocate, to speak out so that people will know this has happened and recognize these behavioral patterns if it is happening to them.
The horrible people that adopted me are lucky that they were able to use and abuse me for as many years as they did. I have now cut them out of my life and am living for me now. Due to these peoples horrible actions and behaviors towards me, they will never be allowed in my life again. I do not feel hatred, or ill will towards them.
They are merely no longer to take up head space or any of my energy and further. It’s been much easier to cut ties with these people than I thought now, as time goes by, I am taking my power back and not allowing these entitled abusers allowed one more second of what they stole from me.
SPEAKING OUT AND MOVING FORWARD
I realize now, that these people are sick, and do not realize how wrong and abusive they are, and never will. To this day, the abuser adopter ‘mother’ goes around pulling the ‘poor sad doting caring mother’ card to gain sympathy. However, she is sick, and is her co-dependent husband. Any real parent in their right mind that had their child’s best interest at heart would do anything and everything in their power to make sure their child was okay.
ANY person that justifies their own abusive behavior and tries to explain it away, and dismiss it has no right to be around me- point-blank. It’s been nice to finally gain the validation I deserve for the decades of abuse I suffered at the hands of these people. I feel like others are now seeing the black and white truth. No adult child just cuts parents off for no good reason,
Something very serious and traumatic has to happen for this to go down, and in my case, something extremely traumatic happened repeatedly to me- and I finally found the courage to say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH- and I encourage any other person that reads this hearing my words, if it sounds familiar to anything you may have experienced to also say enough is enough and stop the abuse.
MY SOUL IS MY SOUL AND IT IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE!!!
Despite the screwed up psychopathy that these people tried to ram into my thoughts on a constant basis for 30 years since I was an infant, I am still me!!!!! And no one will EVERtake that away from me. I am so proud of how strong my soul is, I am so proud of how true and real my core is. It’s just so sad that I had to go through all of those decades to be able to enjoy who I really am. But I’m here and I’m alive!
People do not change if they have no empathy or no remorse for the things they have done. I now realize that not everyone in this world is good, and that I will no longer allow people like this to have even a second of my attention any longer. The truth ALWAYS comes out, and the good ALWAYS will prevail above all other things.
Redundant? Yes, absolutely! That will happen within this blog- as I will tend to repeat myself when I am happy to state something I am proud of! ✌️