ON THE WAY TO MY ULTIMATE PERSONAL
ON THE WAY TO MY ULTIMATE PERSONAL
Thinking back, I never had a proper male figure to look up to......
It was dinner on the table @ 6pm 'when Dad get's home' (and we're all supposed to be excited about that). It was idolize my Father for the man he is. It was, 'my false believing that my adoptive Father was my hero'. In all actuality, I was being narcissistically abused by his wife, the other person that adopted me, and him witnessing it all and doing absolutely nothing to protect me from it. He chose himself over protecting me. The adoptive Father had this amazing talent for flipping it around though. When I would ask him why he wasn't doing anything about his narcissist wife's behavior, his knack to 'play dumb' was just astonishing.
I used to feel so bad for making him feel this way. Somehow, the abuse I was enduring was my responsibility, and I was just supposed to 'deal with it'. This adoptive Father also had an uncanny ability to guilt me into thinking and feeling that any marriage problems they had were my fault. I think about how passive aggressive this man was, and it makes me realize why I get an extremely bad feeling about people that are passive aggressive; it triggers the trauma inside of me and I do not want to be around any person that is like this.
You see, in my mind, as the child- he was the 'good one', and at least he wasn't abusing me like the adoptive 'mother' was. Now, I realize and understand the blatant child neglect he is responsible for. A real father doesn't ignore their child's pain. A real father does not allow their child to be violated and exploited on a constant basis.
GOING NO CONTACT AND NEGLECTFUL BEHAVIOR
And the old her gets, the more he condones the narcissists behavior. Due to his co-dependency on the narcissist becoming worse and worse, it aided me in the decision to completely get rid of these people. I no longer have the room in my life to cater to people that are so adamant to use and exploit me. When people are not aware of how abusive they are, they are not psychologically/mentally healthy. When someone is in denial like this, there is no working to make them better, there is only consistent suffering at your own expense so they can appease to their own selfishness.
They are 'those' types of people- where they pretty much just lived a few decades running on denial, thought they had to 'fit in' with society- the adoptive Father's narcissistic wife couldn't give birth (THAT SHOULD BE PAID ATTENTION TO) to any child, because she couldn't. She is baron. Due to this, they took it upon themselves to think that they were entitled to adopt children for their own gain and fit in in society, falsely replicate what an actual real family unit is. This is a HUGE problem in the adoption industry among adoptive 'parents'. Being baron, and a woman not being able to give birth to a child of her own is no excuse for adoption.
They ended up adopting 3 kids over-all from 3 different families. My Sister, the oldest, My Brother, the middle child who is only 6 months younger than she, and myself, the youngest who is 4 years younger than my Brother and Sister. I don't think that these people that adopted us are terrible people, but on the outside they do awesome things, and on the inside they did terrible things. They are not terrible, they are sick, and that's what I experienced- I experienced a world adhering to these adopters psychological sickness and accommodating to them because of it. This is no way to live or be brought up for a child.
I now know I didn't have a proper male role model. They did things cosmetically in an amazing way, how do I say "that's ok" when it's really NOT okay that I'm being treated this way?. I used to actually think about that, how they could keep this going for so long?... some-how, they did. I was an innocent bi-standard of being a part of that. This was my 'reality', to pretend like all was perfect, when it was actually a complete nightmare.
Whatever that narcissist and her co-dependent husband said? That was what I had to go by if I wanted to keep myself safe from being reprimanded. Now, in my later years, having a life of my own- I realize how strange it was that this man that raised me was so adamant to make sure everyone saw how 'sad his situation was'. It didn't matter what it was, his job, he was bullied, his everything, it was just always very, 'poor dad'.
I WAS MOLESTED, I TURNED TO YOU FOR PROTECTION AND YOU FAILED ME
I was in my early 20's. I was at my adoptive 'parents' house. My adoptive Father was watching television. I had a flash back of when I was molested. It literally terrified me, and I started crying. I decided to go to him with this information (he never did anything to me in this way) thinking he would do something about it and hold the person who violated me responsible. When I told him what happened, it was very odd how lacking his reaction was. I might as well have told him that I went to the store to pick up a gallon of milk. Nothing ever came of it. He did NOTHING regarding what I told him. It was never brought up again.
Thinking about that specific instance used to make me sick to my stomach. It was almost worse going through that then the actual molestation that happened. When you look to the person that is supposed to protect, care and nurture you as their child, and they just don't care, it's devastating, and extremely re-traumatizing. I am the one that had to run on hypervigilance, I am the one that consistently aided that narc and her co-dependent husband, and was taught to condone the narc abusing me. Again, just plain, sheer neglect.
I CONSTANTLY AIDED YOU, I WAS CONSTANTLY TOLD I WAS LYING ABOUT IT
Every year, Steal base docks need to be put in to get the boats ready to put in the water for summer season... I was RIGHT THERE with the weighters (water proof suspenders) on, lifting heavy metal parts, freezing, getting wet, being out there for hours on end. These people's house needs to be painted... I'm RIGHT THERE to pull the wall paper off to prep for when it's time to prime-the-paint, then paint the whole inside of that near 3,000 square foot house. These people's boats need cleaning, need to be de-winterized every year? I SPENT 2 DAYS STRAIGHT getting those boats cleaned and ready to go in the water by myself. These people needed huge trees in their yard cut down, and tree trunks needed to be axed into fire wood? I WAS RIGHT THERE AXING FOR HOURS ON END. These people's yard needs maintenance? I was either be out there cutting the lawn or hiring a company to get-that-taken care of. The narcissist would diminish the fact that I did these things for them at every turn she had. She would constantly tell me I was lying when I would say that I did these things. I was never thanked, I was never appreciated for what I did. This co-dependent adoptive Father would just sit there as the narcissist berated me and degraded me instead of thanking me for helping them.
These people USED and violated me beyond belief. The examples above are just a couple of the 100's of things that I did for them that I didn't need to. I would go out of my way to go to their house to help them with these things, all to be gaslighted and underappreciated and disrespected for aiding them. Weirdest part, I have siblings in the household that also were influenced to talk to-& and treat me this way- make fun of me, belittle me, and treat me like a complete joke.
REALIZING THAT I HAVE TO PARENT MYSELF, I WAS ALWAYS MY OWN PARENT
The reality of what actually happened has been extremely harsh. If only people knew of the constant degrading words shoved into my head about how, 'ungrateful' I am, and how 'I owe these people for saving my life'. These people would have WRECKED my life if I wasn't such a strong person. For that I am proud of who I am, because I was able to survive it all.
The fact that I appeared to have good parents, I didn't. I've never had a proper parental figure. I've always had to emotionally nurture the people that adopted me. I've always had to be responsible for these people's abuse, and mistreatment towards me. These people will never be allowed to exploit me again, and this is my saving grace. My dignity is in tact!
EXPOSING THE TRUTH It takes many adoptees a lifetime to find out the actual truth about their lives before they were adopted. Not only this, but they also find out that there are half truths, stories have been skewed and worse, there is no information at all. Due to being lied to their whole lives, having things covered up, there is a conditioning of tending to be afraid of the truth. It's important to stay strong, and not allow the truth deter you from moving forward, and use it as a tool for the healing process.
REALIZING IT'S TOXIC One of the hardest things to come to terms with is realizing that your abuser is a toxic person. When you have been under the same conditioning and the same treatment for a long period of time, especially when it's a consistent influence in your environment, it tends to become the new 'regular'. A huge step in starting to be in the know is by stepping out of the situation to see it.