ON THE WAY TO MY ULTIMATE PERSONAL
ON THE WAY TO MY ULTIMATE PERSONAL
Guest author, Denise Miller speaks regarding narcissistic abuse in adoption. There are things that need to be clarified regarding hidden abuse. Denise helps us identify the behaviors of narcissistic, abusive people.
Narcissists are people who use and manipulate others for personal gain, and feel little to no remorse for harm done. They operate on the belief that they are superior and are entitled to what belongs to others. Flying monkeys are the people narcissists train up to be loyal to them and have bought into their twist on the truth (lies), specially tailored to suit their desires. They assist the narcissist in perpetuating their selfish agenda by helping the narcissist abuse their scapegoats (those the narcissist takes advantage of), and also help mitigate their consequences. They keep the narc's toxic secrets.
HOW FLYING MONKEYS AID THE ABUSER
Flying monkeys are loyal to the narcissist, won through years of hoovering. Hoovering is special attention and praise heaped upon the golden child (their favorite) and the flying monkeys that make them feel "special" and "superior" to the scapegoats. Flying monkeys don't care if the narcissist is right or wrong, has done good, or evil. Their goal is to protect and assist the narcissist in their selfish agenda and keep their secrets. They help the narcissist abuse their victims, and so are equally toxic.
Flying monkeys and their golden child are brainwashed and conditioned with "treats", special attention, gifts, and honors doled out by the narc when they are being " good", that is, playing along with the narc. I don't know about any of you, but if you have ever dealt with or been taken by a narcissist, you learn their ways and see through it.
As for myself, my loyalty always lies with the truth of what is right, and what is wrong. I will not protect or enable abuse no matter how much I love the person abusing, nor will I cover for them. I will confront and correct them to protect those they abuse. Beware, if you confront a narcissist, you will see what we call an episode of narcissistic rage. Their mask falls off and they go in to kill mode, to try and eliminate the threat to their narcissistic agenda. They'll unleash their flying monkeys on you.
SO HERE'S MY STORY IN A NUTSHELL
As I am sure many adopted people are aware, living your life being treated like you are a piece of meat becomes tiring. Especially when you have the responsibility to pretend like your not being treated like a piece of meat and your 'so exited and thankful' for it. When people force their own judgment on you, about what they think you are, and who you are as a person, you finally get fed up and say, ENOUGH. It is never okay to treat another human being as though they are your property. It is never okay to form your own entitled judgment about another person's character, when you have no understanding of who the person actually is.
I've lived my whole life feeling like I was banging my head against a wall, constantly saying, "That's literally the complete opposite of my character, and who I really am as a person!". Who's the expert on knowing who I am as a person? ME. I am. I know myself to the core. The people that adopted me constantly treated me like I was their property. The massive control issues were suffocating. It never mattered what I said, how I felt, what I did, if I was wronged or treated improperly/inappropriately- it was ALWAYS disregarded, dismissed and these people just helped themselves to violating my boundaries, and exploiting my privacy. I knew at age 11 that I was going to have to fend for myself, and I had a job to do- my job was to 'play pretend' to survive.
How the Narcissist Imitates Empathy
Narcissists run like clock work when it comes to their 'relationships'. Due to the fact that narcissists are desperate to ‘fit in’ and look good to society, they are desperate to emulate what normal people have, proper relationships, empathy, real feelings, and caring for others.
Narcissists are empty inside, and they are well aware of this, making them eternally desperate to try to emulate the feeling of empathy. Unfortunately for the narcissist, they do not have the ability to have real feelings and empathy. Because of this, the Narcissists constant efforts to try to appear like they hold this quality destroys anyone that they use to make themselves appear this way in the process. The narcissist will use anyone that they have to to get what they want, and this is called 'Narcissistic Supply'.
Parenthood is the most selfless act a person can accomplish on this earth. They sacrifice themselves for their child, and their child is always first, no excuses, no matter what. You know when a person was nurtured, loved and given everything their parent could give just by having a conversation with them. Don’t get me wrong, and I’ll be very clear on where I stand on this- there ARE people that should be allowed to adopt children. There are people that do adopt for the right reasons, and that is to 110% love and nurture the child for the child's sake.
When an adopter is allowed to adopt a child for their own selfish reasons, and adopts that child in vain, beginning the child’s life off with how they came to have the child in their household in the first place, has already screwed up. Not only has the adopter completely destroyed what was rightfully the child and his/her real parents undying love and connection with each other, they have selfishly brought that child in their household, all to appease to their own psychopathy of thinking that a person can be selfish and destroy other people’s lives as long as you are getting what you want for yourself. Not only this, but this selfish adopter ‘parent’ has done it at the exact expense of the child, and where the child came from.
I feel terrible for teenagers/kids that have to go through life with a narcissistic mother.
I myself was raised by a malignant severe narcissistic mother. It was hell. I am now 33, and just learned that this was what happened to me. Now in therapy for it, I have so many memories that have came back that were extremely traumatizing from when I was a teenager. Things never really added up, and I became extremely isolating.
If I would have known then what I know now, just the knowledge of it alone would have been amazing to have. The problem with being raised by a narcissistic mother, and being a teenager-
So apparently it's just fine to 'let me give you a call' when I 'have problems'. It's apparently okay for me to call these people when I'm in COMPLETE and absolute turmoil. Because lest-we-forget, "they say they are there for me". God-for-bid I'm in complete stress and absolute literal pain and trying to ensure my unborn child is okay.... As they have turned a blind-eye to all of these years, and never really seemed to care any-way, Suzie's 'over-reacting' and 'being too sensitive' again, right?
It's sad that the bar was set so low that I looked up to you because you never did any harm to me. It's sad that THIS was my view on thinking that people 'cared' about me. It's sad that you, as the adult did not do more to protect me from what happened to me. When I came to you, and told you how screwed up my childhood was, and how I was treated, you said, "Why didn't you ever tell us this was happening?".
Something is extremely wrong with that. The fact that in my adult years, when I came to you to tell you how I was treated, and you further traumatized, and dramatized my situation in this way? Is completely WRONG. It was NOT my obligation to tell you that I was being abused, and trained/brainwashed from infancy to pretend like I wasn't being abused. It was NOT my obligation to you, or anyone to know how to do this for myself. I was a child, YOU, THE ADULT- did not pay enough attention. YOU turned a blind eye to the fact that something was VERY WRONG. YOU chose to ignore the fact that a child was being abused. When your niece/god daughter comes to you in her adult years to tell you of the horrific experiences she endured- you listen to her, you nurture her, you are supposed to completely show love, and affection. You chose none of these healthy options. Instead, you decided to further traumatize her and excuse yourself out of the fact that you questioned her speaking the truth about what really happened to her. THIS IS WRONG OF YOU.
An Amazing Person
My adoptive Grandmother is an amazing person. She is 91 years old, she looks amazing, she still goes out and about, drives, and does her own thing. She raised 6 children, was an educator, and has her masters degree. That's right, her Master's Degree. What Women do you know from that era so long ago do you know who has her Masters Degree, all while raising 6 children? My Grandmother does.
What else is amazing about her in my eyes? I was the 'token' ethnic person in my adoptive 'family'. Both sides. My adoptive 'mothers' side, and my adoptive 'fathers' side. Out of all of these people, people treated me like a complete joke. The only person that I know of that didn't treat me like a joke? Was my Grandmother Pleva. I always looked forward to seeing her, I was always fascinated by her, and respected her for who she is.
In my adult years, now that I have stood up for myself, and realize the complete emotional/psychological abuse I endured- knowing that I was adopted by a sociopath and her co-dependent husband all to be 'thankful' for what these people constantly treated me like, out of all of these people in my adoptive 'family', my Grandmother Pleva is the only person that I still feel connected to, and I respect and genuinely love.
I'm SO at peace today. I've posted about it before. But being adopted & raised by a narcisist, being completely lied to about my actual biology and where I came from has finally came to a tipping point. I finally said ENOUGH. I cut the narc adopter out of my life and made the huge decision to contact the authorities. My REAL mother (birth mother) has been 'mysteriously' missing since I was born in 1983.
I want to preface this post by stating that when I refer to my Mother, I am referring to my REAL Mother, the Woman who gave birth to me, the Woman who brought me into this world. I will not ever refer to the narcissist that adopted, abused and lied to me as Mother, as this is not what that person is. That adopter is merely an abuser who adopted a child for her own gain. That narcissist will no longer be allowed to receive praise for what she put me through.
EXPOSING THE TRUTH It takes many adoptees a lifetime to find out the actual truth about their lives before they were adopted. Not only this, but they also find out that there are half truths, stories have been skewed and worse, there is no information at all. Due to being lied to their whole lives, having things covered up, there is a conditioning of tending to be afraid of the truth. It's important to stay strong, and not allow the truth deter you from moving forward, and use it as a tool for the healing process.
REALIZING IT'S TOXIC One of the hardest things to come to terms with is realizing that your abuser is a toxic person. When you have been under the same conditioning and the same treatment for a long period of time, especially when it's a consistent influence in your environment, it tends to become the new 'regular'. A huge step in starting to be in the know is by stepping out of the situation to see it.