ON THE WAY TO MY ULTIMATE PERSONAL
There are some really great resources out there regarding 'Maternal Narcissism'. I was adopted and raised by a malignant narcissist female. I do not call this lady my mother, as in my mind, she’s just a barren/infertile narcissist who thought she was entitled to call herself a ‘mother’ because she flew under the radar and wasn’t psychologically screened properly and got away with being allowed to adopt a child. But that’s my story, and a story for another time…… One thing that really helped me was of course firstly, educating myself as much as possible on what narcissism is, the behavioral patterns of a narcissist, and learning the different types of narcissism. Things that I started to self actualize were this:
GOOD RESOURCES TO LOOK OUT FOR:
I just want to tell you this now. When speaking earlier about how strong our community of being children of narcissistic mothers is, I want you to know that I’m here for you full-on 110%. There’s literally nothing that you could say or do to turn me away from supporting you as you are a full-blown member of our community.
Please know, (and it’s quite possible you’ve had to face this wrath)- there is a TON of victim shaming and blaming going on, as when you do speak up and speak out about things, there are tons of people out there who will immediately try to attack you, accuse you of lying, etc. No matter what, just remember this- YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU ARE THE EXPERT, YOU LIVED IT. And anyone who victim shames you, is not worth your time. EVER, point-blank no excuses. As these people will show themselves to you and make you realize that they are not your proper and solid support system. Aunt, Uncle, Grandmother, Apparent Friend- if anyone is aiding the abuser and damaging your efforts to move forward without understanding what happened to you, they are not your people. They are not your tribe and it's important to keep yourself protected and away from any person that condones or enables toxic and abusive behavior.
A Mother Loses Her Son to Greed & Baby Purchasing
My Son Already Has His Mother, His REAL Proper Mother
I am a classically trained musician, classical piano instructor, have owned and successfully ran my business for 9 years regardless of the curve-balls thrown at me. I've lived with a modest, but comfortable income. I volunteer and contribute to my community regularly and always have. It's ingrained in my core being to contribute to the greater cause and help my fellows in society. From my Maternal instinct, I know whole-hardheartedly that this is ingrained in my Son August as well. I am a philanthropist through volunteerism. I am an educator. I believe that children really are the future, and I put everything I can into educating young minds. I volunteer in a kitchen and give food out to the homeless twice a week in Downtown Detroit, Michigan. I volunteer as an advocate for sexual violence victims. I teach an inner city music theory program to children & families who do not have the monitary resources to gain a proper musical education. I am no drug addict, no street runner, that's for sure.......
4 DAYS BEFORE I GAVE BIRTH TO MY SON
This picture of me was taken a year ago today on June 4th 2017. I gave birth to my Son just 5 days later. On June 9th, 2017, my beautiful Son August (Auggie) was born. What a memory looking back. This wasn't the usual, 'Instructor Pleva's performing at her usual 'hoity toity' gigs. It wasn't just a usual 'gig' for me. It was a performance for a baby shower ironically. That was a first for me, as I usually wouldn't accept a performance invitation like this. My usual performances, 'gig's if I choose to take them on are usually gallery openings, exhibits, cocktail parties, etc..... As you can see, I was a smaller pregnant woman, so no one at my performance was aware.... Well, until.... I spent my time that afternoon at another Woman’s celebration for her child coming into this world, ensuring everyone else aside from myself was okay as usual, thinking about how tragic it was that I wasn’t able to celebrate myself and my own child’s coming into this world the way I should be. All-the-while, I played ‘Suzie Sunshine’ as usual and slapped that smile on my face........
As usual, once I finished my performance, walked through the French Tudor doors for the host to introduce me for the applause. As she stated, “We applaud and thank Instructor Pleva for that beautiful performance”.... and everyone clapped as I made my bow. As I turned to walk away, my pregnant belly showed. The crowd of about 90 people made a conjoined noise of shock and aw.... the host then said, AND! BABY PLEVA WOW! The applause then commenced louder. That was the most celebration myself and my Son ever received for his getting ready to come into this world. Today has been a rough day. This whole week is going to be, as my Son is not with me, in my arms where he belongs. My Son was fraudulently adopted by narcissists under the false guise of a fraudulent adoption worker posing to be a 'licensed pregnancy therapist' - coercing and targeting me at 8 1/2 months pregnant. All the cards were stacked against my Son and I, and I was completely oblivious, and unaware. I assure anyone who is reading this, I am a very intellectual Woman; a fact-checker if you will. What I could not find regardless of how thoroughly I tried? Information on fraudulent adoptions. And now here we are..... My Son and I are separated from each other, the abusive legacy of adoption corruption has repeated itself.
When Adoption Is Blatantly Abusive
As mentioned, I was adopted by an infertile narcissistic abuser, and have lived my life in complete turmoil due to constantly dealing with the 'mommy dearest' female abuser that adopted me. I didn't have a choice in the matter. I was taken from my real Mother, and placed into the hands of a narcissistic abuser. All always looked great to the outside world, as I played my part of 'Suzie Sunshine' as-if the abuse wasn't constantly happening in order to survive what I had to. That was my way of life for 3 decades. After 30+ years of dealing with the narcissistic abuser adopter and her compliant husband's constant and severe gas-lighting, psychological abuse, psychopathy; my Maternal instincts to keep my Son protected and away from these people kicked in. Trying to get away from and escape the trappings of a narcissistic abuser is like trying to escape Scientology, the constant harassment, abuse by proxy, smear campaigns, stalking is VERY aggressive. Try to imagine being an 8 1/2 month vulnerable pregnant Woman trying to handle all of the stalking and harassment, shaming and blaming for finally telling the truth about the abuse in your own life, while doing all you can to keep your unborn child's safety in-tact while you have absolutely NO support. NONE. This is what I was dealing with on a constant basis.
My Efforts to Keep My Child Safe Were Exploited, I Was Used
In order to keep myself and my Son safe while pregnant, I cut off the narcissist abuser that adopted me, and told her and her co-dependent husband they were no longer allowed to be around me. They wouldn’t take NO for an answer, and continued to help themselves to me like I was a piece of meat/stalk and harass me. To the outside world, 'societal norm', all would've looked 'just fine'. As 'Suzie Sunshine' was 'just fine' wearing that smile on her face, and looking like all-was-well'. 'Suzie Sunshine' wasn't doing fine. I was literally terrified for my Son. I had absolutely literally NO ONE to support me or help me. I consistently and continually reached out for aid/support , and was told I was 'over reacting' and I was dismissed. I was introduced to a woman who posed herself to be a ‘licensed pregnancy therapist’. This woman is not licensed nor a therapist, she is a glorified baby broker who had me convinced that the only way to keep my unborn Son safe and away from my adopter abusers was to place him for adoption. This woman is now under official investigation with the Attorney General of Michigan due to what happened.
Poof 💨. Just like that- within a 2 1/2 week time frame, my Son was gone. I was love bombed, I had been surrounded, these people had my baby, and I was discarded like a piece of trash 'birthing mechanism'. The people got what they wanted... My child. My child was treated like an object. And these people conned me into providing them with what they wanted to use to fill their unhealthy void. When I started asking questions about what happened, and the legitimacy of the whole thing, and expressed my terror for my Sons safety, the gaslighting and harassment began. It’s been a year of this.
The female that adopted my Son is now busy playing 'fairy tales and rainbows' like she now has 'her' baby and that little false story had a happy ending. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. My Son's life has JUST started. And because of these people, his life started on a lie. This lady is now apparently writing a book about ‘HER’ adoption and infertility journey. That’s right, you heard that right. As if a person couldn’t use and abuse two other human beings (My Son and I) enough, this narcissistic abuser has taken it even further, this lady now plans to profit off of further exploiting myself and my Son and our tragedy by 'writing a book about it'.
Adopted People ARE The Experts On Adoption
Dear general public- if you would like to know what adoption is really like, and actually want to know the truth and reality... ASK THE EXPERTS. Ask the person who was adopted. Do NOT ask the person that adopted a child. No matter how 'good' a person may seem if they adopted a child, no matter how 'good' their intentions are, they will never actually know the realities of what a life of being adopted is like. Adoption was created to ensure that children that actually needed homes had them. My Son in no-way-shape or form is a 'saved child', nor is he a child in need of a home. He already has a stable, proper, loving Mother. My Son August's Mother was coerced into fraudulent adoption under constant duress, and extreme pressure.
Now let me make this clear. There are good adoption stories. There are good people in this world who adopt for the right reasons. And to those people who are actually adopting for the proper fundamental reason of providing a child with a home when the child needs it, I say thank you. However there are people who adopt children for their own wants and gain. Let's get this straight, THIS IS ABUSE. It is never okay to use another person(s) in order to fulfill a downfall or fault in your own life. This is blatantly unethical and wrong.
More often than I'd like to realize, the societal norm looks at people who adopt in a very blanketed and blind way. "Aw, you adopted a child? Your so great!". This couldn't be farther from the truth. It's important that society gets privy on all that adoption-land really is, and starts to look closer. It can save future lives from having to deal with a life-time of abuse. I state again, if you are unaware of what adoption is like, what people experience... DO NOT look to a person who adopted a child. Look to the person that was adopted.
For reference purposes, a person that has been adopted has a term/title. That term/title is....
It's EXTREMELY important that society is actually speaking with, asking questions about experiences, having healthy curiosity and looking to the expert- the 'ADOPTEE'. As when you are an 'Adoptee', you are programmed to keep your head down, and consistently taught (generally) that you survive in life based on performance mode, as opposed to actually being able to live your life for yourself. The 'Adoptee' was adopted; more times than not, to serve a purpose for other people's agenda's, and this can carry on for their life-spans unless others are aware of what has actually happened to them.
When People Get Away With Adoption Abuse
The nightmares never stop. Me breaking down in the middle of instructing my students never stops. The one thing that is always consistent that I know, is I love my Son and I miss him greatly. I will NEVER give up fighting to make things right for him, and ensuring that my Son knows the absolute 110% truth about what has happened. Who will provide my Son August with the absolute truth? Who is the actual and ONLY source for my Son to receive this information? His Mother, his actual REAL Mother..... ME. That's right-all, I'm the real deal. I am my Son's real Mother, his absolute tried and true #1 advocate for life.
The only way I will be shoved in a corner, or 'quieted' or 'go-away' and not be there for my Son? Welp, let's just say, these abusive people I've been surrounded with harrassing me would have to 'off me' in order to get me away from my child. The whole, 'Suzie had a baby', and 'Stop bringing up the past', and the 'August will be fines"'? They can try as hard as they'd like to try to break me, wear me down, assassinate my character... doesn't matter to me- I'm not ever going away when it comes to my Child. That is my Son. I am and always will be right here for my child. At the end of the day, I know the truth. I know the ACTUAL truth. Not the twisted 'adoption-land' version of it. I know my child, who he is, and I know how amazing the person I brought into this world is. I literally have one thing in mind. My Son's future and welfare. My Son's future and welfare is ingrained in my DNA and core-being. That will never go away.
My Son is now in the exact abusive cycle that I was forced into from infancy with no choice. I myself was ripped away from my Mother and placed into the arms of a psychologically unhealthy barren female narcissist so that she could play ‘pretend mom’ to another woman’s child. The proof of how damaging this narcissistic abuse in adoption is to a human beings life shows & displays prominently in the past 30+ years I just endured, and the fact that my Son is now not with me where he belongs. My Son has this exact same thing happening. This is not the life my Son was intended to live. My Son August is not here on this earth to cater to a psychologically unhealthy person and 'dumb himself down' to feel and think that he is 'grateful' for being with strangers that had the insatiable want to 'get a baby'.
If you know of any pregnant women who may be considering adoption for their child, LOOK FURTHER INTO IT. Do your part and make this society better for the future. Ensure that the woman isn’t being surrounded and coerced by predatory people who are lying to her in order to get her child from her. ENSURE that she has someone safe and has HER AND HER CHILD'S best interest at heart genuinely and isn’t just acting and behaving that way to get her child from her.
Another Generation Torn Apart
Please everyone, keep Myself and my Son August in your hearts and minds this week. A Mother’s heart is broken as her Son was taken from her under false pretenses. It’s important that the societal norm is aware of how dangerous, life damaging, and tragic narcissistic abuse is- ESPECIALLY in adoption. This abuse may not be tangible, or easy to see, however- the effects on the victims are extremely obvious and telling. Direct cause and effect.
Take it from me, an expert- THE ADOPTEE; If someone has suffered narcissistic abuse, especially in adoption, and musters up the courage to talk about it, reaches out for aid and support.... BELIEVE THEM. HELP THEM. Do NOT further make their situation worse. If it makes you uncomfortable to hear what they are saying? Turn in the other direction. Do not waste the persons time.
A Proud Legacy For My Son
When I was pregnant with my Son, I used to take him to the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. It was one of our regular things to do. As strange as it may sound that I say I was 'taking my Son' to the orchestra, as I was pregnant with him.... My Son August was not only with me everywhere I went because I was pregnant with him, he was already destined to be here in this world. When I say I used to 'take my Son to the orchestra', It wasn't just me sitting there in the seat taking the beautiful music in, it was my Son and I.
I love the compassion Brené Brown delivers on just about any topic. Narcissism is complex to navigate, and requires us to exercise compassion (for ourselves & others) in order to process it thoroughly.
When we think of the word, the automatic, common response is that negativity must be associated with it, but the reality is, it’s far more than just ‘good’ or ‘bad’. You won’t get an accurate picture from reading a few articles, either.
Healthy narcissism is actually necessary for balanced, healthy mental/emotional health & self esteem.
Unhealthy narcissism, however, can develop as a result of an array of reasons: family dynamics with low e.i. (emotional intelligence); child neglect; experiencing rejection as a child; abuse/trauma, etc. - the list goes on.
Because narcissism fluctuates, has many variabilities and is not ‘one-size-fits-all’, it’s helpful to understand the unique ways it can manifest in ourselves; evaluate if what we’re feeling towards someone or something is healthy or unhealthy (those who genuinely cannot tell the difference or are unable to self-reflect likely suffer from the narcissistic personality disorder) and what to look for when it manifests in others in a way that hurts us.
One example of unhealthy narcissism would be trying to control the actions, opinions, or feelings of others (anyone from your child, spouse, dating partner, friend or coworker) according to how you feel they should or should not behave, versus reflecting on, being curious about, or having compassion for what they may be personally experiencing.
For adoptees relinquished at birth, the majority of us tend to lean towards the low end, thus, resorting to people-pleasing in order to avoid re-abandonment (a huge component of my therapy work over the last five years). You can imagine how being introduced to an environment where narcissism is prevalent can be extremely painful, traumatic, and even detrimental for an adopted child. Learning how to recognize the difference between healthy parent/child dynamics, relationship and/or friendship dynamics vs. unhealthy is vital in order to create boundaries where necessary and/or even go no-contact when situations are so toxic, it becomes necessary.
Perhaps what is most challenging, yet most powerfully liberating is having the ability to practice compassion for those who struggle with any illness, especially unknowingly. This quote evokes just that, is a strong reminder that true power is compassion, and always wins over judgment.
Guest author, Denise Miller speaks regarding narcissistic abuse in adoption. There are things that need to be clarified regarding hidden abuse. Denise helps us identify the behaviors of narcissistic, abusive people.
Narcissists are people who use and manipulate others for personal gain, and feel little to no remorse for harm done. They operate on the belief that they are superior and are entitled to what belongs to others. Flying monkeys are the people narcissists train up to be loyal to them and have bought into their twist on the truth (lies), specially tailored to suit their desires. They assist the narcissist in perpetuating their selfish agenda by helping the narcissist abuse their scapegoats (those the narcissist takes advantage of), and also help mitigate their consequences. They keep the narc's toxic secrets.
HOW FLYING MONKEYS AID THE ABUSER
Flying monkeys are loyal to the narcissist, won through years of hoovering. Hoovering is special attention and praise heaped upon the golden child (their favorite) and the flying monkeys that make them feel "special" and "superior" to the scapegoats. Flying monkeys don't care if the narcissist is right or wrong, has done good, or evil. Their goal is to protect and assist the narcissist in their selfish agenda and keep their secrets. They help the narcissist abuse their victims, and so are equally toxic.
Flying monkeys and their golden child are brainwashed and conditioned with "treats", special attention, gifts, and honors doled out by the narc when they are being " good", that is, playing along with the narc. I don't know about any of you, but if you have ever dealt with or been taken by a narcissist, you learn their ways and see through it.
As for myself, my loyalty always lies with the truth of what is right, and what is wrong. I will not protect or enable abuse no matter how much I love the person abusing, nor will I cover for them. I will confront and correct them to protect those they abuse. Beware, if you confront a narcissist, you will see what we call an episode of narcissistic rage. Their mask falls off and they go in to kill mode, to try and eliminate the threat to their narcissistic agenda. They'll unleash their flying monkeys on you.
SO HERE'S MY STORY IN A NUTSHELL
As I am sure many adopted people are aware, living your life being treated like you are a piece of meat becomes tiring. Especially when you have the responsibility to pretend like your not being treated like a piece of meat and your 'so exited and thankful' for it. When people force their own judgment on you, about what they think you are, and who you are as a person, you finally get fed up and say, ENOUGH. It is never okay to treat another human being as though they are your property. It is never okay to form your own entitled judgment about another person's character, when you have no understanding of who the person actually is.
I've lived my whole life feeling like I was banging my head against a wall, constantly saying, "That's literally the complete opposite of my character, and who I really am as a person!". Who's the expert on knowing who I am as a person? ME. I am. I know myself to the core. The people that adopted me constantly treated me like I was their property. The massive control issues were suffocating. It never mattered what I said, how I felt, what I did, if I was wronged or treated improperly/inappropriately- it was ALWAYS disregarded, dismissed and these people just helped themselves to violating my boundaries, and exploiting my privacy. I knew at age 11 that I was going to have to fend for myself, and I had a job to do- my job was to 'play pretend' to survive.
How the Narcissist Imitates Empathy
Narcissists run like clock work when it comes to their 'relationships'. Due to the fact that narcissists are desperate to ‘fit in’ and look good to society, they are desperate to emulate what normal people have, proper relationships, empathy, real feelings, and caring for others.
Narcissists are empty inside, and they are well aware of this, making them eternally desperate to try to emulate the feeling of empathy. Unfortunately for the narcissist, they do not have the ability to have real feelings and empathy. Because of this, the Narcissists constant efforts to try to appear like they hold this quality destroys anyone that they use to make themselves appear this way in the process. The narcissist will use anyone that they have to to get what they want, and this is called 'Narcissistic Supply'.
Parenthood is the most selfless act a person can accomplish on this earth. They sacrifice themselves for their child, and their child is always first, no excuses, no matter what. You know when a person was nurtured, loved and given everything their parent could give just by having a conversation with them. Don’t get me wrong, and I’ll be very clear on where I stand on this- there ARE people that should be allowed to adopt children. There are people that do adopt for the right reasons, and that is to 110% love and nurture the child for the child's sake.
When an adopter is allowed to adopt a child for their own selfish reasons, and adopts that child in vain, beginning the child’s life off with how they came to have the child in their household in the first place, has already screwed up. Not only has the adopter completely destroyed what was rightfully the child and his/her real parents undying love and connection with each other, they have selfishly brought that child in their household, all to appease to their own psychopathy of thinking that a person can be selfish and destroy other people’s lives as long as you are getting what you want for yourself. Not only this, but this selfish adopter ‘parent’ has done it at the exact expense of the child, and where the child came from.
I feel terrible for teenagers/kids that have to go through life with a narcissistic mother.
I myself was raised by a malignant severe narcissistic mother. It was hell. I am now 33, and just learned that this was what happened to me. Now in therapy for it, I have so many memories that have came back that were extremely traumatizing from when I was a teenager. Things never really added up, and I became extremely isolating.
If I would have known then what I know now, just the knowledge of it alone would have been amazing to have. The problem with being raised by a narcissistic mother, and being a teenager-
So apparently it's just fine to 'let me give you a call' when I 'have problems'. It's apparently okay for me to call these people when I'm in COMPLETE and absolute turmoil. Because lest-we-forget, "they say they are there for me". God-for-bid I'm in complete stress and absolute literal pain and trying to ensure my unborn child is okay.... As they have turned a blind-eye to all of these years, and never really seemed to care any-way, Suzie's 'over-reacting' and 'being too sensitive' again, right?
EXPOSING THE TRUTH It takes many adoptees a lifetime to find out the actual truth about their lives before they were adopted. Not only this, but they also find out that there are half truths, stories have been skewed and worse, there is no information at all. Due to being lied to their whole lives, having things covered up, there is a conditioning of tending to be afraid of the truth. It's important to stay strong, and not allow the truth deter you from moving forward, and use it as a tool for the healing process.
REALIZING IT'S TOXIC One of the hardest things to come to terms with is realizing that your abuser is a toxic person. When you have been under the same conditioning and the same treatment for a long period of time, especially when it's a consistent influence in your environment, it tends to become the new 'regular'. A huge step in starting to be in the know is by stepping out of the situation to see it.