ON THE WAY TO MY ULTIMATE PERSONAL
ON THE WAY TO MY ULTIMATE PERSONAL
It's sad that the bar was set so low that I looked up to you because you never did any harm to me. It's sad that THIS was my view on thinking that people 'cared' about me. It's sad that you, as the adult did not do more to protect me from what happened to me. When I came to you, and told you how screwed up my childhood was, and how I was treated, you said, "Why didn't you ever tell us this was happening?".
Something is extremely wrong with that. The fact that in my adult years, when I came to you to tell you how I was treated, and you further traumatized, and dramatized my situation in this way? Is completely WRONG. It was NOT my obligation to tell you that I was being abused, and trained/brainwashed from infancy to pretend like I wasn't being abused. It was NOT my obligation to you, or anyone to know how to do this for myself. I was a child, YOU, THE ADULT- did not pay enough attention. YOU turned a blind eye to the fact that something was VERY WRONG. YOU chose to ignore the fact that a child was being abused. When your niece/god daughter comes to you in her adult years to tell you of the horrific experiences she endured- you listen to her, you nurture her, you are supposed to completely show love, and affection. You chose none of these healthy options. Instead, you decided to further traumatize her and excuse yourself out of the fact that you questioned her speaking the truth about what really happened to her. THIS IS WRONG OF YOU.
SAYING WE'RE 'FAMILY' IS NOT ENOUGH
Your Brother is the co-dependent husband of a sociopath. He chose that role for himself. He also chose to allow 3 children to be adopted into an extremely abusive and unhealthy environment. This is NOT my problem any longer. It's extremely screwed up that my mentality from infancy was to 'feel bad for poor 'ol dad'. That's just SO unhealthy and doesn't make ANY sense. The child should NEVER be responsible for the adults (ESPECIALLY the parent) emotional well being. But that was my 'reality'. It was constantly like that.
The only reason that it was my obligation to deal with the abuse that happened to me in the first place was because I didn't have a choice, and I literally had no other reality aside from what these adopters showed me. I was a voiceless, helpless infant. The fact that I've had to hear my whole life by the sociopath and her co-dependent husband how 'thankful' I should be for what they've done for me? Is complete and utter B.S. THEY CHOSE to adopt ME for their own gain. It's not psychologically healthy for a baron woman to adopt a child because she can't give birth of her own. Think about it, you're a Christian, these adopters that abused me are apparently Christian. Don't you read the bible?
I literally had no choice. But for some reason, I'm supposed to feel 'thankful' for the fact that I was adopted and raised in an emotionally/psychologically terrorizing environment, and had to fend for myself for 30+ years? That's just plain wrong and no longer allowed in my world. In my adult years, I think you probably tried, but you didn't try hard enough. You told me that I could turn to you if I needed to talk.
I was raised to be brainwashed into thinking and feeling that it was wrong of me to express my feelings, and anger for the fact that I was used, exploited as an emotional/psychological punching bag. I was raised to not know how to ask for help. I was raised to think that something was wrong with me. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME. Something is wrong with the people that raised me to think and feel this way.
YOU LET ME DOWN WHEN I NEEDED YOU
You let me down just like the people that adopted me. You created an environment in my adult years to make me think that you were to be trusted enough to turn to you when I needed help, counsel and safety. You made it seem like I actually may have had a chance at having an actual real family experience for the first time in my life. I was wrong, and wronged yet again by you, my supposed, 'family'.
IT IS WRONG of you to not be there, and make me feel like I should be thankful that you will 'answer the phone' when I call. YOU SHOULD BE CALLING ME, YOU SHOULD BE MAKING SURE I'M OKAY. But you never did. When you created this situation, and made me think that I could emotionally trust you, call you for help. You disappointed me greatly. I now realize that you completely confirmed the fact that we have no bond, and you are not my family.
I now realize that it's not you that I'm dissapointed with, it's not that sociopath and her co-dependent husband.... I'm actually disapointed with the life-hand I was dealt. I'm not sure what happened that made it so that I had to be born to be treated this way, but it's not you're or anyone elses problem.... And with your lack of care and action, you've made that VERY clear to me. So thanks for this life lesson dear adoptive 'Uncle'. Thanks for sort of trying a little bit.
Real family calls each other, and makes sure that they are okay. You and your wife hid behind excuses telling me that 'you were busy with work'- when I was literally destitute, pregnant with my unborn child and in extreme need. That is NOT family to excuse yourself out of the fact that you didn't make sure I was okay. Excuse yourself out of it however you'd like to, it is wrong of you to not be there for me in my time of need. ESPECIALLY when I expressed this to you.
But I'm supposed to put on the 'good face' and pretend like my adoptive 'family' is 'so great' and 'there' for me now, aren't I? Complete, utter, bullshit. But I've got to keep up faces, and make sure that the outside world thinks that everything is healthy and functional now don't I? NO I don't. I really don't.
Real family is there, no questions asked. You were NOT there. I was 8 months pregnant, had told your brother, the co-dependent husband of a sociopath that they were no longer allowed to contact me, be abusive to me, or be allowed in my life. This was an extremeely well thought out decision on behalf of the health, well being, and safety of my child. But you made a choice to sensationalize my love, respect, and honor of my child. These abusive people decided to surpass security in my apartment building, and pound on my apartment door for 10 minutes regardless of the decision I had made- re-traumatizing, re-violating, and re-devaluing and objectifying me as they had done for my whole life.
Did you seem to care about any of this? NOPE. Instead of protecting me, respecting my decision, you decided to put me in the position of 'explaining' myself to you. You decided to tell me that I was 'over-reacting'. Just like my whole life. How I was apparently, 'over-reacting' when abuse was happening to me. But I just need to 'calm down' now don't I?
I was literally terrified, needed to protect my child, and needed help from my 'family'. I called you and your wife, my Aunt. Instead of consoling me, making sure that my Son and I were safe and okay as the immediacy that you should've had, you chose to question and accuse me via this telephone call.
You decided to do this all while I was literally telling you that I couldn't breathe, and I was in extreme pain and worried for the child that was inside of me for 8 months. You made the decision to question and accuse a Woman, who was 8 months pregnant, who just had her abusers ignore her requests to stay away from her and her unborn child- as they came pounding on her door of her home- as she called you for help, just like you said she should.
YOU CHOSE TO RE-TRAUMATIZE A VICTIM OF ABUSE WHILE THE ABUSE WAS HAPPENING
But all you knew was my adoptive Sister. And of course, my whole life, for some reason- I was always responsible for her, I was identified with her, and never recognized for myself, and who I AM. If my adoptive Sister was 'acting crazy', that meant I was crazy. So god-for-bid I might actually have a problem, right? God for bid I may be in complete turmoil and in need of aid as usual, because I'm acting "Just like my mentally handi-capped sister"- How dare I, right? NOT my problem any longer. I was NOT put on this earth to be responsible and identify with a mentally handicapped person. I was put on this earth to be ME. And you blatantly ignored ME- Suzan, Susan Marie via that phone call that day.
That was WRONG of you to do that to me. I used to feel disappointment, hurt and sadness that the man and his wife, my Aunt- who told me to turn to them for aid in my time of need let me down and didn't protect me. Then, I realized, you are just like my adoptive 'father'. You chose yourself over protecting and aiding me, as well as my unborn child. You made me think that you were a system of proper support and love, when in all actuality, you just wanted to know my private information, and wanted to take my inventory, just like the rest of them, and you proved yourself to be the same as the rest of this adoptive 'family' that I'm supposed to be so 'thankful' for.
TRAUMATIZING AN ABUSE VICTIM
You will never understand what you did to me that day. I literally couldn't walk, I was literally terrified for my unborn child and myself, as I was in extreme pain, was holding onto the wall to try to keep myself from falling over. I called you like you said for help, and you questioned, accused, and berated me. I literally asked you for a very specific thing.
Within an hour telephone call of my repeatedly asking for your help, I repeated the following 5 times. "Please just tell them to never come to my home again". And what did you do? You decided to accuse me of 'threatening to get drunk', you ignored my need for help and safety of my unborn child and myself, you accused me of over-reacting.
You blatantly ignored the fact that I was in complete turmoil. You treated me like an 'outsider' who was apparently, as you stated, 'over-reacting'. Just like always, when I was growing up with that sociopath and her co-dependent husband, your brother, when I was being chased around with a pair of scissors being threatened to be stabbed, if I said anything about it, I was 'over-reacting'.
FACING THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION
I now realize the reality of the situation. After that phone call to you and your wife, after being terrorized by the abusers that adopted and raised me pounding on the door of my home when I specifically told them to stay away from my Son and I, after ensuring ON MY OWN that my unborn child was okay, as I was due to give birth to him in 3 weeks..... After as usual, putting myself LAST to appease you and your wife's interest and questioning and accusing me on a phone call I made to you for help and aid- I realized something.
You are NOT my family. Family is real, family makes sure that one of their own is okay. Family goes out of their way to ensure this. Family shows unconditional love and proper support. I have never experienced this. You did a good job of making it seem like that's what you were doing these last few years when I told you the reality of what actually happened to me, and the abuse I endured. That's NOT okay.
YOU VIOLATED MY TRUST
It was yet another situation of me REALLY needing my family, not actually having one, and dealing with my own reaching out as told to, and hearing excuses about why people can't help me. Excuses excuses excuses, bullshit bullshit bullshit. I'm done spending my energy on things like this. I'm done spending my energy trying to receive what I deserve, unconditional and proper and real love- LIKE I DESERVE.
I'm done trying to 'prove myself' to you and your family. I'm done wasting time and energy on people that don't actually genuinely care about me. Due to my upbringing by a malignant sociopath and her co-dependent husband, I've become quite resilient, and have learned how to build my own family, and you have clearly chosen to not be a part of that.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS- and they always will Tom. Shall I further state, lack of actions will always speak louder than words as well. Wishing you and Connie, your boys the best, as I do think you are good people. Lest we forget, you were also clearly raised to accept being in denial mode. I do not have any hatred towards that, as something you may not realize. I have put my foot down, and have chosen to live in reality and truth- a healthy life, and denial mode isn't part of my repertoire any further.
EXPOSING THE TRUTH It takes many adoptees a lifetime to find out the actual truth about their lives before they were adopted. Not only this, but they also find out that there are half truths, stories have been skewed and worse, there is no information at all. Due to being lied to their whole lives, having things covered up, there is a conditioning of tending to be afraid of the truth. It's important to stay strong, and not allow the truth deter you from moving forward, and use it as a tool for the healing process.
REALIZING IT'S TOXIC One of the hardest things to come to terms with is realizing that your abuser is a toxic person. When you have been under the same conditioning and the same treatment for a long period of time, especially when it's a consistent influence in your environment, it tends to become the new 'regular'. A huge step in starting to be in the know is by stepping out of the situation to see it.