ON THE WAY TO MY ULTIMATE PERSONAL
ON THE WAY TO MY ULTIMATE PERSONAL
An Amazing Person
My adoptive Grandmother is an amazing person. She is 91 years old, she looks amazing, she still goes out and about, drives, and does her own thing. She raised 6 children, was an educator, and has her masters degree. That's right, her Master's Degree. What Women do you know from that era so long ago do you know who has her Masters Degree, all while raising 6 children? My Grandmother does.
What else is amazing about her in my eyes? I was the 'token' ethnic person in my adoptive 'family'. Both sides. My adoptive 'mothers' side, and my adoptive 'fathers' side. Out of all of these people, people treated me like a complete joke. The only person that I know of that didn't treat me like a joke? Was my Grandmother Pleva. I always looked forward to seeing her, I was always fascinated by her, and respected her for who she is.
In my adult years, now that I have stood up for myself, and realize the complete emotional/psychological abuse I endured- knowing that I was adopted by a sociopath and her co-dependent husband all to be 'thankful' for what these people constantly treated me like, out of all of these people in my adoptive 'family', my Grandmother Pleva is the only person that I still feel connected to, and I respect and genuinely love.
What I want to Say to My Grandmother
All I want to say to her is- "Your Son is the co-dependent husband of a sociopath, and that's the role he chose for himself." YOUR SON adopted 3 children from 3 different families, and allowed the youngest child to be raised from infancy to be an object, and a joke. YOUR SON chose to victimize himself over protecting the innocent child that he and his sociopath wife CHOSE to ADOPT. YOUR SON made the decision to ignore the abuse that was happening to the youngest child that he and his sociopath wife adopted, and was causing. That's NEGLECT, and that's child abuse. YOUR SON is an enabler of child abuse, and he is walking around to this day with his victim mentality now, pretending to not realize why this person he adopted doesn't want anything to do with him, and his sociopath wife.
That child is now an adult, and that adult now well realizes that it is NOT okay that her 'nick-name' growing up was 'you little nigger', and 'little black sambo'. This adult now well realizes that it's not okay that she was the psychological/emotional punching bag of the 'family' she was given to be raised in.
I'm Supposed to Feel Sorry For These People That Adopted Me?
I was raised to think that it was 'okay' that I was constantly objectified. I was raised to think that I shouldn't talk about what was happening to me. I was raised to think that it was 'normal' to have my boundaries constantly violated, and that being exploited for others people's gain was the normal way of life. I was raised to think that I shouldn't stand up for myself when my sister was beating the living shit out of me... Because If I did? Well, now, how dare I? That's when I would be grounded. I was raised to know that if I stood up for myself, when being called 'nigger', 'little black sambo', and getting punched and kicked in the head- charged and attacked by my adoptive sister, that I was in the wrong. THAT was my 'normal'. THAT was how I was violated and disrespected, treated as an object and joke, aside from the constant narc rages that the adoptive 'mother' decided to place upon me when the mood struck her. Between the sociopath adoptive 'mother', and the mentally challenged adoptive 'sister', and the co-dependent adoptive 'father' knowing exactly what was happening to me and ignoring it, being completely emotionally absent, and the adoptive 'brother' just gone, and also raised that it's okay to use someone as a complete piece of trash as this family did with me, it was a VERY rough upbringing.
I was raised being told that if there were problems in my adoptive 'parents' marriage, it was my fault. I was raised learning that despite what was happening to me, it was my fault if I spoke up about how wrong the constant violation to me was. I was raised to think that I was just supposed to take it. I now know that this was NOT okay.
The worst part of all of this? These people STILL have no idea that what they did to me was extremely abusive, and wrong. Out of all of the horrible treatment these people put me through, the worst of it was the isolation. The worst of it was knowing that there were consequences if I said anything, or spoke up about it.
I specifically remember the sociopath adoptive 'mother' putting me in counselling when I was 12 years old to 'fix me', as she put it. She insisted to be in the room when I was sitting with this therapist she chose. Could I say anything about what was actually happening to me? Of course not.
In My Adult Years
I now know and realize how abusive this behavior was. These people are still in existence, but they no longer exist in my world. When you have no choice, and are raised in an environment by people that constantly place their own burdens and problems on you that it is your responsibility to just 'take it', you get tired. You get fed up with it.
When you're raised to think that you are supposed to pretend like everything is 'just great' and your 'family' is just amazing and you are 'so thankful' for so many years, when in all actuality, you are the toilet of the 'family' unit, you want nothing to do with people like this.
When I finally spoke up and told the literal truth about what actually happened to me in my Childhood? No-one cared. No one gave a shit. The mass majority of these people that were supposed to be my 'family' just stopped talking to me. The others, just took the lead of the sociopath adoptive 'mother' and continued to follow her abusive behavioral patterns, by accusing me and blaming/shaming me for even saying anything about what happened to me.
This is NOT My Family
When you are hurt, when you are down, when you are sad, if it is a real family- no questions asked, they will support you, they will step up for you and make sure you are okay. I have never had the privilege of something like this. It's something I've longed for my whole life.
I used to think, "What did I do to deserve to be raised by horrible people like this?". Now I realize, these people are just used to abusive patterns, and have no problems turning a blind eye to abusive behavior, as long as their own gain is the main objective. It's sad, and it's pitiful, but it's the truth.
I knew that there was absolutely no connection with these people since age 11. In my adult years, I now know there is literally absolutely no obligation on my end to do anything for these people any longer. I have chosen myself. I have chosen to no longer allow these people to treat me like a piece of trash in the way that they do. There is literally no reason for me to feel any sort of obligation for the fact that I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER of having a sociopath and her co-dependent husband adopt and use me as a piece of garbage.
I still to this day, suffer the repercussions. However today I have made a decision. I will no longer continue to reach out to people that treat me like they are doing me a favor for even communicating with me. I will no longer exude and spend my own energy on people that treat me like I am over-reacting for being treated, and spoken to like I'm a fucking piece of trash. I feel like, these people owe me back my life, and I feel like it is extremely wrong, abusive and unfair that a baron sociopath was allowed to adopt an innocent child, and abuse that child in the way that it happened.
The reality of it All
I had 2 adoptive 'Grandmothers'. In all actuality, I feel that I have one Grandmother. The sociopaths mother, was a complete sociopath just like her. When that woman passed away, I felt no sadness, no remorse. I literally felt nothing. In my head I just thought, "Welp, that's good, now I can get on with my life, and a new chapter has been created." When this Grandmother passes, I will feel it, because it is literally the only person in my adoptive upbringing that hasn't violated, exploited, or berated me. I respect, genuinely love this woman, and it saddens me that her son, the co-dependent husband of a sociopath would put her in the position she is in. The fact that this woman should have to feel guilty about even communicating with me is sad.
What do I do about this? No matter how hard it hurts, I CHOOSE MYSELF> I choose to not let obligation overcome me, and allow myself to be trampled all over just to appease to another person any longer. I chose to continue on my own personal discovery in life, and remember that I am SO much more than just a piece, or object in life just for other people's convenience.
EXPOSING THE TRUTH It takes many adoptees a lifetime to find out the actual truth about their lives before they were adopted. Not only this, but they also find out that there are half truths, stories have been skewed and worse, there is no information at all. Due to being lied to their whole lives, having things covered up, there is a conditioning of tending to be afraid of the truth. It's important to stay strong, and not allow the truth deter you from moving forward, and use it as a tool for the healing process.
REALIZING IT'S TOXIC One of the hardest things to come to terms with is realizing that your abuser is a toxic person. When you have been under the same conditioning and the same treatment for a long period of time, especially when it's a consistent influence in your environment, it tends to become the new 'regular'. A huge step in starting to be in the know is by stepping out of the situation to see it.