MATERNAL NARCISSISM- Females Are Abusers Too

There are some really great resources out there regarding 'Maternal Narcissism'. I was adopted and raised by a malignant narcissist female. I do not call this lady my mother, as in my mind, she’s just a barren/infertile narcissist who thought she was entitled to call herself a ‘mother’ because she flew under the radar and wasn’t psychologically screened properly and got away with being allowed to adopt a child. But that’s my story, and a story for another time…… One thing that really helped me was of course firstly, educating myself as much as possible on what narcissism is, the behavioral patterns of a narcissist, and learning the different types of narcissism. Things that I started to self actualize were this:
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• Most/the majority of narcissists run like clock-work. They are very ‘textbook’. Although all personal situations and journeys are going to have different details, one thing seems to always be prevalent, there are textbook narcissist abuser techniques that are used. Whether the narc knows this or not, they are text book, transparent, and NOT SPECIAL, they are just a narc like the rest of them.
• Women are abusers also, doesn’t matter the title of ‘Mother’ or not. As mentioned above, a narc is a narc is a narc, no matter what shape, size or form they come in. Narcissistic abuse is no joke. I personally believe that the majority of the societal ‘norm’ fundamentally believes that Women/Mothers naturally love their children always. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. In our cases, the narc abuser just happened to come in the shape and form of the ‘Mother’.
• There are MANY others like us who have suffered and endured. What I mean by this is, in your and my specific case…. One thing that seriously helped me big time was finally finding others that were like me, in this very specific demographic of being a ‘daughter of a narcissistic mother’. The more I came to realize this, and find my community of fellows that also suffered through what I did, it seriously lightened my grief and feelings of isolation. Not only that, but it validated and empowered me.

GOOD RESOURCES TO LOOK OUT FOR:

1. FACEBOOK GROUPS: A huge one for me was finding Facebook support groups specifically for daughters of narcissistic mothers. If you just shoot that term into the ‘ol Facebook search bar, you should be able to find some good groups. I tell ya, hearing these other members of the groups speaking their truths and experiences, I had an ‘AHA’ moment… as at times, I was like, “WOAH, that person just described exactly what happened to me!”. Not only this, but having a proper and safe space to vent among people that just flat-out ‘get it’ without your having to even explain yourself.
2. ONLINE ARTICLES: I assume since you’ve made it here to Quora, asking the question you did, you’ve probably already came across many articles on narcissism when googling it. One thing that I made sure to do was keep searching and searching the more you find out. The more specific your search terms become, the further information and validation you will find. For instance, in the beginning, I was just searching ‘emotional abuse’, then I would learn, then it turned into ‘ah, that persons a narcissist’, which turned into me searching terms like, ‘maternal narcissism’, and really thinking about things like, what causes maternal narcissism’, etc…..
3. CONNECTING AND NETWORKING: Just like here, connecting with your fellow survivors via social media is HUGE. Not only just in Facebook groups, etc. Many of us, now that we live in the days of technology and social media have come out with blogs and websites. I have done quite a bit of networking, and connecting with my fellow survivors. The more I have done this via the social media networks, the more solid my support system online has become. You end up really narrowing down a core group of people that have very specific shared experiences as you. Just having the piece of mind that your community backs you is HUGE….. Especially when you have to live with the fear of being shut down when your trying to speak out and tell the truth. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, all of it. Get as connected as you possibly can and get your troops to back you up, because we’re pretty die hard on having our fellow survivors backs.
4. LEARNING ABOUT NARCISSIST FAMILY ROLES: I found it extremely eye opening to learn about what my role in the typical narcissistic family unit is. Learning and knowing the possible ‘characters’ in the narcissistic family are, and finding where you fit in in this is huge. For instance, I was always the scapegoat. I learned that my adoptive ‘Father is the co-dependent spouse of a narcissist’. Learning that about him was HUGE, because I used to think he was the ‘good one’. Now, learning about co-dependent spouses of narcs has made me realize that he was just as abusive as the narc for not protecting me from it. So putting a descriptor on that, and having it more clear to me seriously helped me make that gray area of feeling ‘sad for poor ‘ol dad’ turn into, “wow, what a sad person without a back bone, he CHOSE not to protect his children”.

IN CONCLUSION
I just want to tell you this now. When speaking earlier about how strong our community of being children of narcissistic mothers is, I want you to know that I’m here for you full-on 110%. There’s literally nothing that you could say or do to turn me away from supporting you as you are a full-blown member of our community.
Please know, (and it’s quite possible you’ve had to face this wrath)- there is a TON of victim shaming and blaming going on, as when you do speak up and speak out about things, there are tons of people out there who will immediately try to attack you, accuse you of lying, etc. No matter what, just remember this- YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU ARE THE EXPERT, YOU LIVED IT. And anyone who victim shames you, is not worth your time. EVER, point-blank no excuses. As these people will show themselves to you and make you realize that they are not your proper and solid support system.  Aunt, Uncle, Grandmother, Apparent Friend- if anyone is aiding the abuser and damaging your efforts to move forward without understanding what happened to you, they are not your people.  They are not your tribe and it's important to keep yourself protected and away from any person that condones or enables toxic and abusive behavior.

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